I spent most of my time working. Working at work, working on extra projects, working at finding another job, working at re-crafting what work meant to me. Meeting along the way fantastic guides and mentors, whom while advising from their own fields of expertise, still managed to provide pieces of a puzzle that fit together.
The Eternal Spring for instance, is a North Node Astrologer I'd met after booking a consult. I'd naturally begun to ask questions about purpose and the North Node was as near to a personal North Star as I could get. I had staged the consult in January, yet as luck would have it, by the next month the Eternal Spring found herself staying for a work-holiday retreat about an hour away from me.
I of course, needed that. I had been clenched into Survival Mode, which naturally featured every Fear magnified to ten times their usual size. The Eternal Spring pointed out that my North Node was in Pisces, my South being in Virgo - "a sense of isolation and hard work there, but your North Node Pisces is really about learning to trust that you don't always have to do that." At the time I worried over How to Work a Piscean North Node - indulge in something Neptunian, maybe a drink or a mind altering substance? The Golden Venus calls it Blue Devil Hoochie Juice. The answer of course, is that you don't work it at all.
Unusual I know, but I quote that almost verbatim from her "how I help" page. I stayed infuriatingly mum with most of my friends, but posted comments on NJ's blog with increasing frequency. This was a woman who knew the mess of Flux, and understood that what theoretically ought to make us happy often doesn't. And for someone trying to bust out of a rut, the anti-formula was welcome.
Like everyone else, I was placed at the mercy of my then guidance counselor's predictably rote strengths and weaknesses test, which strongly suggested I go into teaching, or nursing, two fields I couldn't even remotely see myself in.
Not surprisingly, my Chinese Father who'd aspired for me to go into something more blue chip and mathematical as banking or the computer sciences, was flabbergasted when I received acceptances from three universities under the wildly varying fields of fine arts, medicine, sociology and advertising. He was especially threatened by the arts degree, thinking it a bid for teenage rebellion and an attempt to perplex him even more. Which is ample evidence I suppose, that my father had no idea I even drew. Or wrote.
So I hoped to avoid the keen mechanism of previous misguidance and wanted even my chosen voice of practical reason to be neither too practical nor too reasonable. Turns out I wasn't too far off, NJ was an Aquarian and the perfect Mad Hatter to my Alice. She didn't believe in creating classically prolonged sessions, citing that at times it can be tempting for people to use the sessions to subvert the actual work of gaining independent ground. This was true, and so on we went. She provided me with both sobering statistics on the North American employment market as well as inspired encouragement that eventually, yes, a way could be made out of all of this. It helped of course, that she'd had a similar journey. As they say, the saint is cut from the same cloth as the sinner.
But really all this was a way for me to create the Arsenal. Flux had the physical effect of alternating grit and nausea for me, even while I knew there were no guarantees that every step I'd taken would yield results, it mattered more that I did the work (South Node in Virgo) and having done so could rest on faith (North Node in Pisces). My stride through all this got wider, and each step began to accommodate the possibility of my life looking very different from anything I planned. Still, I yearned for some validation, something that told me what I offered was still within what the market would bear.
The weeks that followed were filled with promise and negotiation, but in the end things went awry. I'd proven to be much more pricey than they were willing to pay for that particular spot, and they apologetically informed me they decided not to offer lower as my worth was undoubted. "You're one of our best candidates," the hiring director wrote, "and I could not in good conscience, give you less. I will keep you in mind for the future though as there will be other opportunities."
All that time I'd already started to imagine my life altered by this new job, the change in routine, the places I'd discover, the new people I'd meet, the things I would learn. How well I would do as the Benign Goddess of all that is Lost, Abandoned and Unclaimed. I sank into a little sadness, and the slightly confusing mind-shift required when one balances hope with disappointment. Then I realized that perhaps this was a sign.
I'd been prepared all this time to fall into this job, the category itself was a comfort zone. Hadn't I lived there before? Still it seems I'd been once and for all soundly told I don't anymore. Goodbye Pluto, Hello Uranus.