Occupying an entirely different headspace 5 days out of seven requires some decompressing, my work life and this is precisely the black and white between writing about noxious cancer causing chemicals, and well, poetry. Cram a social life, friends' freaking out, family, laundry, cleaning, and all the other biological processes between that to get my reality and inevitably, something falls short.
I'd been so resistant to starting this blog for the longest time that of course, the moment of its inception has to coincide with an equally critical transition at work. Naturally. Now that I want to do it, being kept from it fills me with some kind of civil unrest. I get guarded about my time, selfish about being able to just think - even if to friends, this inevitably looks like me doing much of nothing. They greet my vague allusions to being busy with raised eyebrows. "Are you making this whole 'busy' thing up?", Frugen #2 asks rather archly. I don't even bother answering.
Was it really that much harder to say Yes, because our default is No?
I guess it is. Somewhere between the drumbeat of boundary setting, self-assertion and just plain making sure one isn't a doormat, YES got a bad rap. Don't get me wrong, being able to say NO is a healthy essential. But as an attitude? Definitely very limiting. It's the defense and default of it that leads people to a life of clenching rather than one of flow. An unexamined and constant YES on the other hand is equally as damaging. Since I've had three days of seeing YES on my wall, a strange thing seems to have happened - that red vibrant YES seems to have relaxed my NO and made it more confident. It's the Yin and Yang of choice, can't settle on one without at least considering the other.
Before I started this blog, I'd been madly journaling as well as promising friends I was doing something (anything!) with writing outside of work. The Golden Venus in particular has been unstinting in her support and unfailingly encouraged and/or chastised me as she saw fit. Rightly so. Still, there was a lot of nothing before I even got here. What was the problem?
Fear of course, of some version of rejection - an expanded No if you will. Still I didn't find it reason enough to stop me, after all I'm the one person our office Insurance Rep prudently suggested should have the maximum coverage in case of accidental death or injury given a history that included getting trapped between two boulders after a drop from a water fall, crawling from underneath a moving car, seven auto accidents in 2 years or that I happen to be followed by some kind of mayhem on my travels.. the list goes on. But never mind bodily harm, with this I found myself stuck and skittish. I decided to employ a bit of trickery by ignoring the issue i.e. To Blog or Not to Blog by engaging a series of yeses to all sorts of people, places and things.
Yes to resisting the Sewer (evil Ex) that made me say Yes to house sitting an hour away (in case he came looking for me) which then placed me near B, the only person I found attractive after all this time and who I’d avoided since he lived far. As well as being 15 years younger. I couldn't say No to him at that point since when would I ever be so near or be so happy to be alive? Which then turned into a really lovely summer together as we bonded over my saying yes to dog sitting which I’d never done before and B proved to be eminently amazing at. Eventually B & I parted ways which made me sad and in need of distraction so I said Yes to the Photography workshop. Then Yes to the Human Figure sketching classes. And because I still missed him, yet another Yes to guitar lessons. All the while also saying Yes to taking on more at work. Until suddenly saying yes wasn't such a big deal anymore.
The more I said yes, the more rooms my life accumulated. The less of a vacuum it felt. With more baskets to put eggs in, it became easier to cope with the ones that did break. Or at least remember that life itself doesn't always say no, as long as you're willing to reciprocate.